my heart breaks to do this...

... i have to.

i have to sell it, since there is going to be no future use of it... the flat that i pined for, the one that i eventually bought, after much searching, after much planning, after much of calculations, after checking out many others, after really scrounging for every penny that i had saved out of my own salary, my own labour, my own thinking, my own brains...

... and each article, from the curtains to the cushions, from the knick-knacks to the wall paint, from the furniture in each room to the mug in the washrooms, from the lights and the fans (no there is no AC in the flat), i had been involved in, i had decided, i had paid for... and we have lived there on and off, but i do not see myself going back there...

now 11 years after i had bought it, i am thinking of selling it off... for one, this is a fourth floor lift-less flat, so no way i see myself in old age, trudging all of 78 steps to reach my little nest... and B has bought another one for us, and constantly keeps referring to that flat as "your home"... that is the closest he can get to telling me, "my gift for you"... earlier, i used to rebuff him and say "that flat i am not paying for, so it is not mine." but since he hasn't heeded to my message, i decided to heed to his... and i now refer to his flat as mine and the bugger inside has already started planning the colour of the wall paints, the lights that could be used to increase the impact of space, the kitchen cabinets, the cupboards that will have to be made, the colour of the curtains... and sometimes, very very rarely, i try to take R into confidence when she comes up with her own vision of her room...

but let me tell you one sure fact, that though i have an unearned home, a home that my husband of 18+ years has "gifted" me, the decision to sell "my own, my very own flat", is a painful decision to have arrived at... and that is one reason that i have kept postponing the ensuing vacation, i have waited 19 months from the last time i have gone just to make sure that i will finally pass it off to some other dreamer...

what is this space for?

big question mark...

but no one single answer since different individuals, different reasons for being here, different ways of looking at things, differing reactions to a similar thing, virtual dialogue... endless reasons, endless possibilities, and endless virtual kicks (positive and negative).

most people, including your truly, are here just to write their minds out... they are open with just about everything, from sex to love for their spouses/partners, their children, their hurt with someone/something, some experience that they have had, which could have instigated a thought process in their minds, and the readers giving their viewpoints in the comments which, many a times, could take on a tangent from where it all started.

here we can cry a little (without the inner me, Ms Ego telling booing us), laugh aloud, resort to virtual shoulders for a little support, get a little cushion, complain and yet not offend someone, complain and offend someone, and move on... this is just like the personal diary of yore, but one that is virtual and open to others, one in which we welcome opinions, give our own, whether asked or not, agree, agree to disagree since there is no such thing as the courtesy of consensus.
to me, this place is to just vent, though sometimes one does feel constrained since some of you even know me in person... :)))

till date, however, i really have not come across one topic -- openness about an extra-marital affair, though i myself and many others i read have written about a crush here, a nice feeling there, a harmless flirt somewhere else. even in the virtual world, this is something we do not want to risk talking about... some sanctity somewhere? or plain cowardice? not made my mind up.

trying to play the perfect woman

... is not my cup of tea... i am more un-feminine than feminine... i speak my mind loud and clear, i do not really love cooking, i do not "show" care (if i do care for someone, s/he knows it), i am very independent, i am strong, i rarely break-down and even if i do, it is very very private... in a word, i do not seem to show emotions at all, except my anger...

but some situations in life are such when one has to switch shoes and become a lady... (i know i sound funny)... and here i am, cooking all meals, cleaning, washing, tending to the dreamer, keeping a bored R company, and all this, while i am working from home...

believe me, it is difficult to see the person whom one has known for the entire adult life (more than half of my life really!) suffer, suffer silently and not complain, trying to be as independent as possible, giving me as much cushion as he can...

it is difficult... not because i need to be doing all this alone, not because energy levels are low (i am a born fighter so when circumstances are difficult, i am perfect), but because i cannot concentrate on the three books that i am reading, i cannot do all that i love doing... foremost among them, think, look at the sky and get lost, drive around the city, sit at my work-station in office, sip wine, laze around... in a word, being MYSELF...

and guess what, my Mom made out that something was wrong with me when she called to check how we were, since i had missed calling her... and though i flatly denied that something was wrong, she hung up, saying, "my gut feel tells me that something is wrong, but if you do not want to say, i respect that as well."
didn't i say, Moms are Moms...

PS: one major source of support have been our colleagues... mine have sent across food, called umpteen times to check how we are faring... as they say, in an alein land, it is a new family that one gets...

the time of the day i like most

weekdays, between 6.55 am and 7.30 am, when i am alone in the office. it's an early start to the day, with the alarm going off at 5 am (and to be honest, i hate it). but that sets the tone of the day ahead. have a quick shower, a hasty breakfast and we (R and me) are off to school... it is not only negotiating traffic, but also having a peek at her, next to me, when only i get to see her and none else... and the thing i yearn most, is to be seated on my desk at work, set the routine of the day, start ticking off the tasks that have been completed and do a little planning ahead...

weekends, when there is a long weekend, which is two times a month... on a Saturday, morning, 8.45 am to 11 am... when i am home alone... R is off to her Maths classes and B to a weekly meeting with the corporate bosses. i generally check mails, reply to important ones, start cooking, have a long bath... and write on this space... generally contented and not asking for too much is the mood of this time...

both of the times, i am alone... and i really don't know, if this is normal or not, but i feel happiest when i am alone... and i never ever feel lonely.

nostalgia galore

long back, when i was merely a teen myself, someone had commented that i will engage in something creative... it suddenly struck me today... the commentator i have forgotten about but what he had to say about me has stayed on... while i took a long time to branch out into writing, i have...
these days i also recall my ex-boss... much of what i do, i have learnt from her, though while i worked with her, i hated the way she had to teach us... but teach she has... and apart from work, she had said once, "i relax by cooking". i was thunder struck; how could anyone relax dy doing a chore... now i understand, since many a times i too do it now... better late than never.

addiction for addiction

no, don't get me wrong... i am not talking of the normal addictions... i am just talking about the addiction i have for music... any song, any tune which catches my fancy, gives me a mental high, makes me happy... i tend to go over and over that again and again... almost to the point when i do not want to hear that again... i think i am funny, isin't it?

happier at 40+

this is the new paradigm amongst a lot of women i keep meeting these days...mostly on work, but with whom i tend to bond at a different level altogether... and all that we agree on is that we are far happier today than we were at 20+...
reasons? simple enough -- too much to prove, too much to achieve, too much to do then.
now? have proved some, don't care about the those that have not been proven; have achieved quite a bit, don't want to strive very much harder; have done quite a bit, don't care about the rest.
in a word, we have learnt to live life on our own terms... and that is what happiness is all about, isin't it?

have forgotten to relax

speed... that's the essence in whatever i do... writing, eating, watching the TV... how can speed come in the latter? simple... when something un-happening happens (that which does not excite my mind = unhappening) on TV, i tend to surf...
i eat very fast... i recall when i was a child, or even later in college or university, i used to take aeons to chew the food and swallow it, i literally used to enjoy eating... now it has reversed... i cannot eat slow, just cannot...it is as if, i have to somehow finish the food and head off to fly an aircraft... before every meal, i try to tell myself that this meal will be slow... but by the time i have sat and started eating, i just speed...
similarly when i start writing, i just carry on non-stop...it is as if the keyboard would melt in a while... when an idea pops up, i just have to put it down...
i just have forgotten how to go slow... i wonder where am i headed this way?