was at the exchange today for sending money to meet commitments back to India... the loan to be paid off for a house that we will live God knows when, for the SIPs... so on and so forth... this is a regular ritual...
now with exchange rates for a toss, we gain when we send money home... so there was a mad rush at the exchange... all types were there... the corporate sahib, the poor journo-trying-to-look-rich, the construction workers, the engineers, the bankers... and our man at the exchange counter was trying his best to help out... help out with conversion (that is a mundane request), help out with filling in cheques, help out with the odd request of touching up the rate (and this request came from the most well-dressed man, carrying some thick bundles of currency... and he wanted the best rate... he had called up our man and had warned him of his arrival)... in front of all of us, with pidly amounts...
our man started sweating... how could he do anything, his expression shouted? but the suited-booted corporate man, his bald head shining, would not leave him...
just to postpone the problem, our counter man told him to wait till he had got rid of small-time people like us...
i finished my transaction and while walking away, looked at him to make sure he was within his mind... he was, patiently waiting for a better deal than any one of us had got... the construction worker before me was happy that the rate was better than his last transaction last month... so he walked away in no time
but the baldy wanted more and was waiting, making calls from his Blackberry, but haggling over some decimal points in the rate... is he funny? or am i, for my silly ideas?
Sep 25, 2008
let's bring up human beings, not daughters
just told you about one of the books i am at...Janaki, one of the sisters, who elopes from home to stall an arranged marriage, chooses to marry a Muslim film star... she is Indian, and Merchant is talking about 1990s...
the other one i am reading, Doris Lessing's The Golden Notebook is about two sigle Brit women who have chosen to remain single, having gone through relationships, borne children, seen it all... for the purpose of gaining fullness of life... avidly political, one of the women, Anna, who lives in a commune for a period, is appalled that there are certain "behaviours" expected from women, and this none states, but her then boyfriend...
Anna is Lessing's creation in the early 1960s, while talking about the post-World War II London and Europe at large...
so irrespective of spatial difference, cultural separateness, or time, women have remained women...
women...one half of the human population... but expected by ALL to follow rules laid down by some others, meet the expectation parameters of some others... and many a times these "some others" could well be very close to her... Janaki runs from the writ of her father and aunt who are having a rollicking time over Janaki's dead mom... Anna dumps her "modern" boyfriend because he is feudal while a member of the Socialist Party...
and these are not very far from our own lives, are they? we have, to an extent, followed stereotypes...how long will we keeping running, dumping, throwing out? how long more will we keep meeting only others' expectations?
i hope our daughters have freer choices when it comes to their lives... that they will be looked as humans first, women later... that they can live without the burden of expectations...
can we ensure this little for them? the first step should be us, the moms... let us free them of our expectations first... expectations from daughters, not at the human level... let us create human beings, not bring up "daughters".
the other one i am reading, Doris Lessing's The Golden Notebook is about two sigle Brit women who have chosen to remain single, having gone through relationships, borne children, seen it all... for the purpose of gaining fullness of life... avidly political, one of the women, Anna, who lives in a commune for a period, is appalled that there are certain "behaviours" expected from women, and this none states, but her then boyfriend...
Anna is Lessing's creation in the early 1960s, while talking about the post-World War II London and Europe at large...
so irrespective of spatial difference, cultural separateness, or time, women have remained women...
women...one half of the human population... but expected by ALL to follow rules laid down by some others, meet the expectation parameters of some others... and many a times these "some others" could well be very close to her... Janaki runs from the writ of her father and aunt who are having a rollicking time over Janaki's dead mom... Anna dumps her "modern" boyfriend because he is feudal while a member of the Socialist Party...
and these are not very far from our own lives, are they? we have, to an extent, followed stereotypes...how long will we keeping running, dumping, throwing out? how long more will we keep meeting only others' expectations?
i hope our daughters have freer choices when it comes to their lives... that they will be looked as humans first, women later... that they can live without the burden of expectations...
can we ensure this little for them? the first step should be us, the moms... let us free them of our expectations first... expectations from daughters, not at the human level... let us create human beings, not bring up "daughters".
Sep 24, 2008
what i would well do with... but don't
started reading Ameen Merchant's The Silent Raga... nice read, ok story... but one sentence that touched my heart was: Nothing hardens a person as the lack of appreciation... not the exact words but that is the sense in a nutshell...
how true... when we do things that are not exactly to our liking, but just to please others (for a start, which later become a habit)-- and let's face it, in life there are very many such things, aren't there? and no one notices it and goes about in a rather business-like attitude, doesn't it kill the inside?
well, if that's over-stating it, then such acts of cold ignores are certainly meant as a silent jab, creating a raw wound on the soul...
we have all faced many such intances... where the good are conveniently glossed over, forgotten... but the goods create expectation in the others' minds so much so that when we falter on the same task, we get pulled up since it did not match the benchmark that we ourselves have created...
i do, and am sure there are many like me, who would not find appreciation out of place at all... but as luck would have it, nothing comes my way...
B's constant refrain is... who appreciates people at home? so a good dish (a rarity), or an efficiently-planned do, or holiday... is met with business-like silence... now, of course, this very same thing is reciprocated with elan...i too have perfected the art of appreciating silently... logic should be the same, globally, afterall, you see...
at work, of course, the ways are different... one learns what appreciation is and what is not appreciation... and ultimately, there is silent communication that keeps happening... which sometimes translates to better bottomlines, better pay cheques and healthier bonuses... so the purpose is served...
how true... when we do things that are not exactly to our liking, but just to please others (for a start, which later become a habit)-- and let's face it, in life there are very many such things, aren't there? and no one notices it and goes about in a rather business-like attitude, doesn't it kill the inside?
well, if that's over-stating it, then such acts of cold ignores are certainly meant as a silent jab, creating a raw wound on the soul...
we have all faced many such intances... where the good are conveniently glossed over, forgotten... but the goods create expectation in the others' minds so much so that when we falter on the same task, we get pulled up since it did not match the benchmark that we ourselves have created...
i do, and am sure there are many like me, who would not find appreciation out of place at all... but as luck would have it, nothing comes my way...
B's constant refrain is... who appreciates people at home? so a good dish (a rarity), or an efficiently-planned do, or holiday... is met with business-like silence... now, of course, this very same thing is reciprocated with elan...i too have perfected the art of appreciating silently... logic should be the same, globally, afterall, you see...
at work, of course, the ways are different... one learns what appreciation is and what is not appreciation... and ultimately, there is silent communication that keeps happening... which sometimes translates to better bottomlines, better pay cheques and healthier bonuses... so the purpose is served...
each person, new
nothing can be truer than this... there are stereotypes in the broad contours, but when it comes to dissecting a person and taking all the nuances, each person is as different from the rest, as apple from orange... some traits might match, some quality may find resonance, some talk may be similar... but overall, we are made different...
at work (and over all these years), i keep meeting various shades of people, both within and outside the office... forget the physical aspects of tall/short, fat/slim, dark/fair, attractive/unattractive... now these have seemed to matter less and less... and believe me, each is unique when it comes to personality types... some very hardened, some very soft; some searching, some trusting; some smart, some simple; some tough, some innocent; some loving to make personal comments, some maintaining that line between private and public; some getting familiar in no time, some waiting for the ice to melt; some overt, some covert; some loud, some sophisticated; and many a combination of all these and more... the list is endless...
in fact, i love observing each person and ruminating over them when i am alone... these lead me to laugh at times, feel sad, make me angry, or thoughtful... but never hateful... i have learnt now to savour the taste of accepting people as they are since it helps me deal with them better, next time on... if need be, i put the guard high, or pull it off totally or place it somewhere in between... but each interaction helps me draw a picture of that person in the mirror of my mind...
some though have not ceased to surprise me, with their ability of being the bottomless pit for taking in insults... F, the nice secy of the horrid boss, aeons back, who got all the shit, but still defended the boss, "she is like that only... and now much better," or N, who takes in pressure from all quarters, yet smiles endlessly...
possibly, it is because they are more patient, more tolerant... but aginst wrong? my silent question is: why?... i have got no answers...
at work (and over all these years), i keep meeting various shades of people, both within and outside the office... forget the physical aspects of tall/short, fat/slim, dark/fair, attractive/unattractive... now these have seemed to matter less and less... and believe me, each is unique when it comes to personality types... some very hardened, some very soft; some searching, some trusting; some smart, some simple; some tough, some innocent; some loving to make personal comments, some maintaining that line between private and public; some getting familiar in no time, some waiting for the ice to melt; some overt, some covert; some loud, some sophisticated; and many a combination of all these and more... the list is endless...
in fact, i love observing each person and ruminating over them when i am alone... these lead me to laugh at times, feel sad, make me angry, or thoughtful... but never hateful... i have learnt now to savour the taste of accepting people as they are since it helps me deal with them better, next time on... if need be, i put the guard high, or pull it off totally or place it somewhere in between... but each interaction helps me draw a picture of that person in the mirror of my mind...
some though have not ceased to surprise me, with their ability of being the bottomless pit for taking in insults... F, the nice secy of the horrid boss, aeons back, who got all the shit, but still defended the boss, "she is like that only... and now much better," or N, who takes in pressure from all quarters, yet smiles endlessly...
possibly, it is because they are more patient, more tolerant... but aginst wrong? my silent question is: why?... i have got no answers...
Sep 22, 2008
you would have been 75 today
but no, you went when you were 64...
you always were in a hurry, in a rush to get things done... you could not, after a bath wait for your meal to be served (but ate only a handful), you could not, after having gotten ready, wait to leave, if we had decided to go somewhere...
in a word, you could not, after having taken a decision, wait to compelete the job... but that was at the personal realm... with us...
in office too, from what we heard after you were gone, if you had decided something, it had to be done pronto, in a jiffy...
so possibly, once you decided, you just went and went for good, without even bothering to send us a warning, without allowing us to even call a doc...
i still hold that against you and will till the day i live...
you always were in a hurry, in a rush to get things done... you could not, after a bath wait for your meal to be served (but ate only a handful), you could not, after having gotten ready, wait to leave, if we had decided to go somewhere...
in a word, you could not, after having taken a decision, wait to compelete the job... but that was at the personal realm... with us...
in office too, from what we heard after you were gone, if you had decided something, it had to be done pronto, in a jiffy...
so possibly, once you decided, you just went and went for good, without even bothering to send us a warning, without allowing us to even call a doc...
i still hold that against you and will till the day i live...
Sep 21, 2008
which name does the world know you by?
this is a question that plagues only people from West Bengal... we have this tradition of a bhalo naam (proper name) and a daak naam (name that you are addressed by people who are near and dear)... this name controversy is the entire plot of Jhumpa Lahiri's Namesake, with Gogol unable to decide which is better, this or Nikhil...
the R you are familiar with is her daak naam, which B had kept while we were still at college... what guts?
but i was determined when i went for delivery to Mom's that my child will have a proper name on the birth certificate... mine had this written verbatim: "A female child weighing 3 pounds was born to Mr ASM on January 1..."... how ludicrous, as if he delivered me?
so to avert that, i had decided that in my child's case (and i was determined it had to be a girl... B did not let me down on this one)... it had to be A...
so when R/A came, and i was back in form, B asked me, "what name shall we put for R in the birth certificate?" i said, "A"... and felt within, "my daughter, my initials and my Dad's too."
slightly proud on this achievement, we enrolled R in school, one after another, this being her sixth school and only at school is she known as A... the rest of the world knows her as R...
the R you are familiar with is her daak naam, which B had kept while we were still at college... what guts?
but i was determined when i went for delivery to Mom's that my child will have a proper name on the birth certificate... mine had this written verbatim: "A female child weighing 3 pounds was born to Mr ASM on January 1..."... how ludicrous, as if he delivered me?
so to avert that, i had decided that in my child's case (and i was determined it had to be a girl... B did not let me down on this one)... it had to be A...
so when R/A came, and i was back in form, B asked me, "what name shall we put for R in the birth certificate?" i said, "A"... and felt within, "my daughter, my initials and my Dad's too."
slightly proud on this achievement, we enrolled R in school, one after another, this being her sixth school and only at school is she known as A... the rest of the world knows her as R...
cha-muri, the perfect accompaniment to the perfect adda
first let me translate... cha is tea, muri is puffed rice (but here it means the mixture of wafer thin green chillis, mustard oil, onion, groundnut, and coriander leaves) and adda means aimless discussion on every possible thing -- from astronomy to the CERN experiment on the aftermath of the Big Bang to Singur to the Delhi blasts... it is discussion that has no results, but can engage an entire state...
so, as i was saying, cha-muri, at home used to be the accompaniment to adda that we had almost every evening at home... and the particiapnts could be just Mom and me, or when free, Dad and bro... on some occasions, my aunt (Mom's sis) or another (Dad's sis) or yet another (Mom or Dad'd bro's wives)... these were at the family level...
here of course, we rivetted apart everyone... from the neighbour to the Prime Minister... and the laughter could almost be heard from where the lane began...
Dad had his separate adda mates...it could be over a session of bridge... or plain talk... the topics were different... more serious, more to do with wider goals and less of rivetting...
when i my marriage was settled, my Mom's sis had said, "our sessions will miss you..."... i too missed them badly when i was on the Thane fast, virtually hanging out of the train...but made it a point to catch up whenever we went on annual trips...
so when R came along, Dad said, "here comes the newest gang-member of the ladies' adda session..."... there is one pic of baby R, with all of us having our cha-muri and yapping, with R peacefully asleep, used to the chatter from her womb days...
so, as i was saying, cha-muri, at home used to be the accompaniment to adda that we had almost every evening at home... and the particiapnts could be just Mom and me, or when free, Dad and bro... on some occasions, my aunt (Mom's sis) or another (Dad's sis) or yet another (Mom or Dad'd bro's wives)... these were at the family level...
here of course, we rivetted apart everyone... from the neighbour to the Prime Minister... and the laughter could almost be heard from where the lane began...
Dad had his separate adda mates...it could be over a session of bridge... or plain talk... the topics were different... more serious, more to do with wider goals and less of rivetting...
when i my marriage was settled, my Mom's sis had said, "our sessions will miss you..."... i too missed them badly when i was on the Thane fast, virtually hanging out of the train...but made it a point to catch up whenever we went on annual trips...
so when R came along, Dad said, "here comes the newest gang-member of the ladies' adda session..."... there is one pic of baby R, with all of us having our cha-muri and yapping, with R peacefully asleep, used to the chatter from her womb days...
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