Happy 14th Birthday

Dear R,


Today is your 14th birthday. I have been reliving this entire week in my mind... what i did, when, how, with whom, who said what, why, what were my reactions and so on... it is a long long list... and you were still inside me and every minute I was saying to you, "Do you hear that, little girl?"(no we had not tested to know the sex of our child, but I was convinced that you would be you, a girl).


To cut it short, have a healthy, satisfying and happy life ahead. Try to make others happy... that is not the priority for many of us, but you should keep that in mind because when others are happy, so are you. This is something I see very strongly in your Dad. He tries his best to make others happy... and deep down somewhere, there is a slight pain, since your Dadubhai (my Dad) had the same streak. Possibly, unconsciously we girls look out for something of our Dads in our partners... hopefully you will do the same when your day and time comes.


We have tried to give you a very simple life, without much frills. It has been a life of constant movement, across cities, countries, jobs, and in the process we have tried to attend to you, to the best of our abilities. Yes, we have left you with the baby-sitter when you were barely 9 months old. And that did send guilt pangs deep down inside me, but you possibly understood that I needed the job at that point and you stood beside us very well. In fact, had you not, I would have had to quit my job and take care of you. That was Mumbai. Down to Kolkata too, you had an adjusting phase with successive nannies, despite the fact that for a period, we did stay with your grand-parents. And adjust you did. Come Delhi and the same story continued. It was only beginning our stay at Muscat that you started staying alone while I was at work and it is only now that I do not feel daunted by your vacations any more, knowing well that you and I will manage together and manage well.


I do not know how you will turn out as an adult. The only thing I will ask of you is responsibility. You need to be able to take responsibility for your actions, your words and stand by what you feel and do. Never be afraid of taking a stand, even if it means you are against the others. If deep within, you feel you are right, you are. Go by that.


We have tried to give you some basic values, since we have lived by them. You have seen our lives, rather openly and know what we have stood for. Nothing high falutin, but values that should help you lead your life on a straight path. Ideally, we would want you to live by the values we have given you, but beyond a point, rest assured, we will not pry to check what you are doing, though if ever I see that you cannot look eye to eye with your Mummy, I would deduce that you have goofed up somewhere. Never allow that to happen.


We value privacy very highly. But privacy should always come with a sense of responsibility. Keep that in mind.


You do not have to be the first student of your grade. You just have to do your best, in whatever you do. Thus, even for your dance rehersals, I was being very particular about the timings. You need to realise the value of time and commitments that you make.


Even if I sould like having given a lecture, bear with me. These are things which I have to tell you while you are growing. They may become redundant once you are fully grown.


Yes, I need to tell you this too... I LOVE YOU A LOT.


Mummy

Mom-to-Mom tag

Umm tagged me and here's my take on mommy-ing and why it is sooooo difficult.

1. The challenges change every day. One day's peace does not guarantee the next day's; one day's challenge met, does not make the next day's easier.

2. There are no recipe's for easy success.

3. Forgiving is no effort, but it gets a little difficult when one has to continuously go on doing it.

4. When outsiders praise the child for her discipline, for her controlled reactions, for the way she carries herself, my constant reaction is, "If you can the same things about her 10 years on, I'll know that it is a job well done." But inside, deep inside the chest swells. Ms Pride at work! but is thumped instantly.

5. Parenting has a nice, little prefix: TACT, all caps, bold, in shining colour and the tact is seen through very easily by the child, so one goes on racking the brain constantly.

I could go on, but since 5 is the number, I stop.

BTW, just read this lady's blog in case you guys feel like...

our parenting, their parenting 2

the new academic year is about to start, so evenings are spent in covering exercise books... thankfully, books have been given with a lamination... so no sweat over them...
despite being shown how to do it, R has not yet mastered covering books... she will do a ramshackle job and stuff the books in, if pushed to do it...
while it is no rocket science and there is no genuine skill involved in covering books, we (bro and me) were thrown into doing things beyond a certain age... i cannot recollect when exactly i started doing these things on my own, but i remember vaguely that it must have been when i was in 4th/5th, not later... and R is in 8th now...
i cannot sulk at home... B does not like it...
so here i am, tapping out at the keyboard, but in my heart of hearts, i know the reason why R is not yet into things i used to... my over-protectiveness... i can see the smirk on many of your faces... and i know i need to work on this...
let's see how well i manage that...

our parenting, their parenting

today was the end of one more year from R school... she's now in 8th... has done reasonably ok, can do better. but that is not what i want to talk about...

she was with me when i was applying for her TC and i could feel the quiver of her lips... the quiver became stronger as we moved towards the parking lot and she made a silent refusal to sit next to me, choosing to sit behind... i let her and as i started off, she looked behind at her school -- where she studied two plus years, years that have seen her grow from an unsure preteen to a surer teen, years that gave her new friends (not all of whom were correct, but some good ones too), years that have dotted our relationship with small and bigger disagreements... and i could see the tears rolling down her cheeks...

i had to concentrate on the car, but my eyes burned... i can't cry any more, and have severe dry eyes... but seeing her cry made me want to... i bought her Krispy Kreme donuts, hugged her and while leaving for work again, she broke down in my arms... i held her tight while she sobbed and unconsciously i said, "You are a big girl now, you need to be strong in the face of separations," and lo, my mind went back to 1974...

Mom had to leave me alone to attend to her ailing mother... the reason i could not be taken was: my final exams for 3rd. so i stayed on in a friend's home (very near ours), attended school, shed silent tears at night and kept waiting for Dad to come back after dropping Mom and bro. On a Friday, as i came back from school, our driver came and asked my friend's Mom to let me come with him, since Dad was back. she refused saying, "let her have a little food and then she'll come." i insisted that i wasn't hungry but she would have none of it... so i gobbled the food and ran downhill, home bound... while running, i could see Dad waiting for me, the sun setting behind him... and i straight landed between his legs... as he picked me up, i broke down, sobbing just like R did today. Dad held me tight in his chest which sucked all my pain out... and he told me, "You are a big girl now, you need to be strong in the face of separations."

certain things don't change... certain things we can't unlearn... certain things die only with us... but one thing remains constant: the love for one's child and the fear that the child will not be able to face the world alone.