...the touch
...the feel
...the smell
...the baby-saliva laced kisses
...the tug at my nightdress
...the chained feeling while on bed when one can't move even if one has to
...the hugs
...the demands on my time
...the baby cries
...the sound of baby feet
...the rooms with toys strewn around
...the bed jostled
...the madness of wakeful nights
...the pining for my time
...the queer look in one pair of eyes if i decked up
...the smile when i came home, almost running, after work
...the tiny hands that could pull me out of every low feeling
...the silence of the house when she slept
...the joy in her small steps, first words, first call, first solid food...
...yet, i know this is what i wanted, FREEDOM... to be my own self, to be mistress of my time, to be able to read and read without interruption, to be able to sleep peacefully, and at one go, to be able to go shopping without having to stop since someone was hungry.
this is possibly what human nature is all about. it is all about missing what one no longer has but pine for something else when one has it, without realising that the empty feeling is more difficult to deal with than a 24-hour day when someone else calls the shots...
tragically, i feel my ribs crushing when she comes home and goes into her room without making eye contact... clearly an indication of telling me "leave me alone", of a silent way of asking for more space, of the silence she does not want to break, of the embargo on hugs, of, at times, angry moods, of limited periods of loud laughter, of slipping into a book which, i know, she is not concentrating on, of slouching in front of the tele without telling me how her day has been, of so many other small nuances, which only affects me since possibly i know her the best (or do i?)...
these are not really problems, these are not really issues, considering that many other kids give a tougher time to their parents, but these are things which, when one has to live through 24x7, 365 days, one gets sentimental about, and expecially a problem for someone like me, who tries to be reasonable and rational most of the times, cutting out emotions, trying to find reasons which explain a particular behaviour, alter the instigator (if i am the cause), make peace with what comes, if not the first time around, at least slowly... and it is this "slowly" that is causing so much of a problem since the phase of creating a distance is just not ending... what began as one-off has really become a pattern, with the one-off being the very occasional thawing of the ice that solidifies as soon as it has melted...
it is lovely to be able to spend a whole evening with books, but quite painful if one has to do it because there are just vacant spaces everywhere to deal with...
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5 comments:
I had writen here earlier, wondr why it has'n't come so doing it again...touched by the initial moments and am sure these moments will pass off and she will love you for being ýou'...close yet giving her the needed space. (well, maybe even as I write this she will show signs of thawing, kids are so unpredictable!)
ahh the glorius teenage i beleive???? well most of us are that way during teens isnt it, but wen we become moms we cant stand it.. well my mom had a tough time with me, god knows howz its gonna be for me...
@S, i everyday expect that... but till date nothing has really changed... but no harm expecting...
@E, i will sound cliched if i say, we were perhaps a shade better as teens, mostly because no one really bothered about "space" due to teens... each passing day makes it more difficult and thanks to this space i can at least whine virtually and sob on virtual shoulders...:))
maybe mother needs a break. get away for a few days alone. and that would shake up teen in question a bit?
would love to do that... can I? need you to agree and may be allow, u see... :)))
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