my heart breaks to do this...

... i have to.

i have to sell it, since there is going to be no future use of it... the flat that i pined for, the one that i eventually bought, after much searching, after much planning, after much of calculations, after checking out many others, after really scrounging for every penny that i had saved out of my own salary, my own labour, my own thinking, my own brains...

... and each article, from the curtains to the cushions, from the knick-knacks to the wall paint, from the furniture in each room to the mug in the washrooms, from the lights and the fans (no there is no AC in the flat), i had been involved in, i had decided, i had paid for... and we have lived there on and off, but i do not see myself going back there...

now 11 years after i had bought it, i am thinking of selling it off... for one, this is a fourth floor lift-less flat, so no way i see myself in old age, trudging all of 78 steps to reach my little nest... and B has bought another one for us, and constantly keeps referring to that flat as "your home"... that is the closest he can get to telling me, "my gift for you"... earlier, i used to rebuff him and say "that flat i am not paying for, so it is not mine." but since he hasn't heeded to my message, i decided to heed to his... and i now refer to his flat as mine and the bugger inside has already started planning the colour of the wall paints, the lights that could be used to increase the impact of space, the kitchen cabinets, the cupboards that will have to be made, the colour of the curtains... and sometimes, very very rarely, i try to take R into confidence when she comes up with her own vision of her room...

but let me tell you one sure fact, that though i have an unearned home, a home that my husband of 18+ years has "gifted" me, the decision to sell "my own, my very own flat", is a painful decision to have arrived at... and that is one reason that i have kept postponing the ensuing vacation, i have waited 19 months from the last time i have gone just to make sure that i will finally pass it off to some other dreamer...