WHY?

this has kept me thinking and thinking really hard... should i or shouldn't i vent that huge mountain of emotion that i think i have NOW, finally put behind me and moved on, and it took me precisely a decade to do it? should i tell about that day, that one day which, in a swish, just changed my life and forced me to grow up? should i tell you all how hopeless i started feeling? how the smile and laughter just vanished from my life? how i became a new, hardened, realistic, me... the one you see today? ok, let me tell you...
a 31-year-old discovers, to her dismay, she is pregnant again... she is not happy. she has just taken a transfer back to her hometown, with a two+ year child, is staying with her marital family, but the husband is still awaiting a transfer... she is not happy that again she has to wake nights and do all that she has done for her daughter. will she be able to give the kind of attention that she gives the noor of her eyes again? nope...
her mother does not want to give her opinion... but her father is very happy... she will be grand-dad again... he will look after R, he assures his daughter who retorts, "will you wake nights instead of me?" he laughs his assuring laugh... and tries to convince his daughter... but she miscarries... he runs with her to the clinic, does all that have to be done, looks after R with his wife and nurse her back to work... the husband is still in Mumbai, still awaiting his transfer...
he falls sick... high fever, bad cold... "don't worry and don't come since it is contagious... little R will get it."
she who senses trouble visits her parents after work, fetches some milk from the nearby market... he is already feeling better, he says, no fever... that was Friday...
saturday is working... but she calls and checks... he is feeling weak, but ok. she does not go to meet her parents...
sunday morning call from her mother, "can you come right now... Baba is not feeling well... the doc has given new medicines but there is no one to get them."
she runs, leaving R with her MIL...
she goes in and sees that her ever-strong Dad is having breathing difficulty... but she becomes a moron, it does not strike her that he is on the threshold of an attack... or in the process of one...
she fetches the medicines, gives it to him... he sleeps for a while... has early lunch, and sleeps again, this time all three together, she in the middle of her parents, but she does not sleep...
evening, he climbs all the stairs, goes to the terrace and has his tea... the breathing is still heavy and he is sweating... still she does not think it to be an attack...
she fetches R since she will stay the night with Baba and Ma...
her mama, mom's elder brother, comes visiting after two years... they have a grand chat and he leaves around nine...
he is still uneasy, still breathing heavily and sweating...
she runs again and gets an inhaler, after checking with the doctor... who reassures that it is conjection... the heart is fine...
she is asthamtic so teaches her Dad how to inhale... he is hopeless at it... but inhales some of it... takes light dinner and sleeps...
next morning, the clinic guy comes for a blood test... he fasts till 8 and has tea...
he is smiling tired, she thinks...
he goes to the loo, "do not lock the door," she tells him, "i am just here."
he comes out, with a tired look, wears the watch his son gave him on his last birthday, lies down and closes his eyes...
she calls out, one last call, "BABA." he half opens the eyes, grabs her hand and his wife's...
R is behind... she has seen it all... her last memory of her Dadubhai...