our parenting, their parenting

today was the end of one more year from R school... she's now in 8th... has done reasonably ok, can do better. but that is not what i want to talk about...

she was with me when i was applying for her TC and i could feel the quiver of her lips... the quiver became stronger as we moved towards the parking lot and she made a silent refusal to sit next to me, choosing to sit behind... i let her and as i started off, she looked behind at her school -- where she studied two plus years, years that have seen her grow from an unsure preteen to a surer teen, years that gave her new friends (not all of whom were correct, but some good ones too), years that have dotted our relationship with small and bigger disagreements... and i could see the tears rolling down her cheeks...

i had to concentrate on the car, but my eyes burned... i can't cry any more, and have severe dry eyes... but seeing her cry made me want to... i bought her Krispy Kreme donuts, hugged her and while leaving for work again, she broke down in my arms... i held her tight while she sobbed and unconsciously i said, "You are a big girl now, you need to be strong in the face of separations," and lo, my mind went back to 1974...

Mom had to leave me alone to attend to her ailing mother... the reason i could not be taken was: my final exams for 3rd. so i stayed on in a friend's home (very near ours), attended school, shed silent tears at night and kept waiting for Dad to come back after dropping Mom and bro. On a Friday, as i came back from school, our driver came and asked my friend's Mom to let me come with him, since Dad was back. she refused saying, "let her have a little food and then she'll come." i insisted that i wasn't hungry but she would have none of it... so i gobbled the food and ran downhill, home bound... while running, i could see Dad waiting for me, the sun setting behind him... and i straight landed between his legs... as he picked me up, i broke down, sobbing just like R did today. Dad held me tight in his chest which sucked all my pain out... and he told me, "You are a big girl now, you need to be strong in the face of separations."

certain things don't change... certain things we can't unlearn... certain things die only with us... but one thing remains constant: the love for one's child and the fear that the child will not be able to face the world alone.