R routinely asks me this, expecting that it is she whose name i will take... sensing the feeling and the searching eyes, i do just that, but then i have this gnawing guilt in me... is it the truth i have told my trusting child? while it gives her succour, is it not my parents whom i love most?... no, no, it is R... noh, it is Pa and Ma...confused, confused...
but when i ask her, she does not know... she says, "Pa and you, with Pa a lil more," dragging the lil to cover ten seconds...
as a child, i did ask (rather harrass) my parents the same question... but there, it was more to make sure that they loved me and not by bro... what an impossible, impertinent demand? i do not have two kids, so cannot judge... but as a parent, if i had two, could i love any one less? no, not possible...
Dad was clear. he said, "first my parents, then your Mom, then you both."
Mom followed and said, "Your Dad first, you both next, then my parents."
therein i think lies the difference... between generations, between Mom and Dad, bewteen genders...
when it comes to quantifying love, the three faces that come to mind are R, Pa, Ma... so where does B fit in? and what about my bro? with whom i lived 18 years of my life, shared the same room, all the pranks and the food, the uncontrolled giggles at dinner so much so that we were made to sit back to back so that our eyes would not meet?
B does... despite all the differences, i possibly cannot live without him... while i am done ten years without Dad... am prepared (or so i think) that Ma is getting old... and R will, when she grows, be on her own and leave us... so does bro...
so am i clear on whom i love the most? no... one more area of confusion...
is it the same as you???
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6 comments:
you need other people, you get used to some relationships...but love? thought only possible with your child. total unconditional love. even the very worst thing they do, you can forgive and love. can you do that with your parents or husband. forgive them everything?
unconditional love is only for child(ren), i agree.
but forgiveness and love... yes, they are intertwined in a way... but don't we still love our parents or husband, with all that they do or don't?
possibly we tailor our expectations accordingly and carry on, as you say, "get used to."... but that is laced with love, i feel...
u know wat hit me most in the entire thing? trifle u'd perhaps say, standing where u do today. But yes, the picture of A in 2 ponytails sitting back to back with bro at dinner & yet planning pranks the adults wudnt dream of...
i expected that from you... yes, a part of me always cherishes those moments... moments which will never come back...
i expected that from you... yes, a part of me always cherishes those moments... moments which will never come back...
Love for oneself is the most i suppose, so we change with introspection and in respect of something cause we want to fit ourselves in. The picture of a bro and sis planning for some ptank is for that time. Though to tell the truth there are days now at this age when me and sis plan serious pranks which is helpful for ma, like planning to force her to see the doc or otherwise. it is definitely a prank for the old lady who cares less. But when i question myself why i do it, the answer is plain and simple, i want her to be there, so am i doing it for her or more for myself!!!!!!
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